Vinco vici victum

Realization Again

Dave — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 17:43:42 +0000

I read somewhere that we only write (or type) when we are not happy. We don’t write during the latter because when we are happy, we want to embrace and live the moment. We are not interested in documenting it. I guess that’s why I am back here. I have not been happy for a long time. I just think it has reached a point where I am no longer motivated. I used to think I can exist as a relatively independent entity but that didn’t turn out to be true. All my efforts to escape from dealing with it usually only makes it harder to face my problems again. The avenues for escape cannot be considered healthy either, seeing how it is seemingly damaging me further to a stage I could be beyond repair. I just hope I don’t fall off completely. I sit at the bedside thinking if there’s a reason to live – if there’s anything beyond this dull veil that could save me. At the end of the day I only answer my questions with more ‘I-don’t-know’ than before. I guess they were right when they said the more you know, the more you realize how much you still don’t know. ):

Dave — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 18:56:30 +0000

This must be the first day you met me if you think I’m going down without a fight. hur.

Filial Piety

Dave — Fri, 12 Nov 2010 09:31:28 +0000

I have not been filial. I ought to reflect on my moral values before bitching about other’s.

3:24am

Dave — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 19:42:39 +0000

The oxygen deprivation makes me do things that are out of familiarity. Like now.

I don’t think I was ever wrong to withdraw. I can’t go up and say I need boundaries to be drawn this instant because you scarred me and I’ve been wounded. I don’t know how long is this space needed. I couldn’t define it because I don’t know. So I went away. All this happened, only because you pushed me away. Actions that serve to suggest opportunities were on loop. Soft voices, word play and an invitation which represented a gesture. You created an opening only to slam it right back down while I’m halfway through. I could push or pull back – either way injuring myself. But I have swept my ego way down more than once, trampled on my own pride and braved the declinations and rejections. I am the one who don’t want to get hurt anymore. I have more rights than you to say this because I was never wrong. I never turned away voluntarily. It is amusing to realize it all started from you and each end was initiated by nobody else but. I don’t understand why you seem more frustrated than you should be. Who should feel victimized here? I feel more like a pawn of your little chess game designed to satisfy your emotional dependence. It isn’t manipulative in nature but it was built subconsciously. Even then, that isn’t grounds for destroying me.

Of course you don’t know I’m saying.

Dave — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 18:19:58 +0000

All those feelings you think you ever had is only but a translation of societal pressure and social trends. Monogamy, love, friendship and even escapism. It’s engineered by our urban culture. It’s a transient line drawing between reality and what we decide to be. It doesn’t make sense for most people and not much would have their minds dwell this far. It takes one to have been this close to losing everything in his life to ever learn.

Hiatus.

Dave — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 19:52:25 +0000

I’m outta here.

Dave — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 10:21:54 +0000

God, thank you so much. I will love her more than ever. (:

Dave — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 08:02:32 +0000

Why do we hide when either of us seeks? For answers, for approvals, for coinciding thoughts; it has been too long that I waited. All this while, I never really considered anyone else. Is this not the best for the situation? Or you want what you can’t get? Do I have to actually take off before you realize what I meant to you? It’s nobody’s fault and I’m making rhetoric questions. We’re confused and damaged. What if this screws us? Can we then just fuck it and be back to what we have right now? I really don’t know. And maybe that’s why we’re too afraid.

My life. ):

Dave — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 20:26:12 +0000

Dave — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 15:31:03 +0000

A tiny part of me died that day.