Guilty I guess

I saw this message from coach on the track forum. I really felt sorry. It was this moment of guilt. Somehow I felt I shoulder more responsibility than anyone else and although not emphasised like how it is for Genever and Fabian or Tun Gene and Andrew I know there is some level of expectation for me to attend if not perform. But as I uncovered Shuyun’s note in the planner she gave to me (thanks a lot, really!), I realised I share the same sentiments. The team is not. the. same. anymore. I know it’s boring because I mentioned to myself and brood ove that too often but it really dawned on me this time. I can’t even picture a 4by1 team next year. It’s like the passion died but on a different level becuase it isn’t my doing or myself but the team. It’s quite a letdown becuase we are not bonded at all. The call for a camp was rejected 999 times. If it’s a sport and we’re athletes, we do not have time and energy for bonding sessions during the training itself. Unless we decide to turn this entire cca into some sort of after-class-socialise-outlet where everyone comes down and gossip with soap operas and bitchy faces, waving arms into the air seeking attention. I am mor than sure that coach wouldn’t want that. So who do we leave for this burden to bond us. We don’t go for overseas training – I bear no grudges – but we don’t have camps too. Thus in many ways we have fallen apart and all those smiles and hi-byes are mere superficial holding no values, no significance for us to hold on to. We may have people we prefer not to hang out with or talk less to becuase the scope of discussion, character and etc varies with vast differences but that, we pulled off well back in 2005. The seniors although sometimes less appreciative than they should be had proud and heartfelt moments with us. It isn’t expressed in words but we can all feel it especially during the race Elfi brought back a bronze for the 4by1 team. There is no team now. How are we going to progress on from here? Track is more demanding than most of us think. The only reason some of us survived till today was effort hasn’t been put in such that we drop dead after training for those few minutes before dragging home for a cooling shower. The only people whom we know delivering such effort are Andrew, Fabian and Khairul. Perhaps Kesther back in 05 and other inconsistencies among the long d girls. How and where can persuasion or better – determination – come from if we don’t possess it naturally. More so when we don’t even feel the existence of a team we’ve been sweating together with? We’re really screwed in this sense. I am guilty but dissatisfaction at the incompetence of the team if there is, be it the exco, teachers or fellow trackers covers up for that. They’re not weak or lousy, we just lack bonding and understanding. Everything else will fall into place afterwhich; I believe.

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