Damaged


Peijun’s birthday dinner

That piece of paper without any As other than my name is a sad reality. Enough with the whinings echoed from so many A level students. The world ain’t fair all the time… yadda yadda. Seriously, it’s a very dim future. You don’t know if what you see ahead is a ray of hope or light that would soon blind you, swallowing you so badly you can’t find a shadow to hide in. Optimists say fate has narrowed down your uni choices to only the remaining ones but is this really so or has fate been toying with your emotions? Maybe it feeds on disappointment – the further our hearts sink, the more it thrives. Fate is a nasty little thing. So to the many unfortunate ones whom had drawn out whatever they have for this cert and failed to survive, perhaps lady luck has turned her back on us, joining fate in his evil ploy to watch us fall down the chess boards. We are afterall pawns. Pawns of a flawless design. We will still be eaten and defeated at some point and it’s only time that stalls it from coming too soon. But time can only do so much before we lie face on the ground, tears down the cheek, listening to the thumping on the ground and whatever roaring that’s going on above us in the battle called life.

Okay enough of crapping. I obviously didn’t get A for Biology. Ms Nora was disappointed but she prolly tried not to show it too much since my own future is the one that’s destroyed. I had a very different picture in mind of how the results day would look like. The excitement Bryan had last year calling up his Dad constantly played the day before. In my bunk everyone was either sleeping already or we were all praying hard that the following day don’t be too harsh on us. But whatever it was, I couldn’t doze off for a while. Despite forcing the mind to have low expectations so reality won’t bite so hard, a corner of the head still wanted awesome results.

For biology, its such a huge disappointment I didn’t notice how fugly the GP grade looks. I mean seriously it should be the one I’m crying over and not any other subject. I think it really didn’t sink in until the next morning. The corner of my head that wanted good results refused to accept what cannot be undone. It felt like I lost something. I didn’t replace that feeling but it was suppressed by indulgence of good food and company. But it got terrible when I went to NTU’s open house. Why for what we had to go through, all that education and books do we only have so little money. The gross mean starting pay is like 2.5k, I really don’t know how Singapore’s economy works. This feels so wrong, so void and so difficult to swallow.

You’ll feel pushed into believing that you might not have what it takes, that you might be as stupid as the boy next door. I don’t even know what beliefs and values I should hold on to anymore. Don’t you feel betrayed because you are judged by letters sprawled across some not-even-good-quality paper. All that you worked for, all the youth that was caged and lost and all those dreams you had, had been mortified by some marker that may have happened to be some heck-care personnel. All those things we want are taken away by them things. Why isn’t this a felony in God’s perspective.

***

Shuyun, yat and I planned to watch Juno after we spending much time in school after the whole results thing was over. But it was pretty late before the next screening slot is available. (Anyway, I watched it with James on a later day and we find the movie way too overrated. It’s just a really simple movie that wasn’t too ambitious with its plot even though some parts of the script were pretty great.) So I had dinner with Jiamin and co. at Cafe Cartel because we were at Marina and there’s nothing interesting there. PlusI can eat almost nothing at Waraku and I had zero intention to suggest Changing Appetites after the first and last visit then. CC has terrible service and I think I’ll boycott it for Secret Recipe instead. When they said laughter is the best medicine, they left out the 2nd part: food is medicine for moodiness. 😀 I decided that Coffee Club isn’t that pathetic since they gave us contrasting service to Cartel.

Is anyone going to NUS open house? I would be less likely to suffer from depression if there’s company unlike my NTU visit where I only ran into Sam when I was leaving. Even so, it was good cos I joined her in the queue which save me half an hour of waiting together with the beeline of kaisu people behind – bloody hell serve them right esp those kids still in uniform. Heh.

 To the many poor souls suffering and mourning over the half-dead cert while wondering why the media painted such a nice picture of how the cohort fared, just pray hard. Even if you don’t believe in all that, it helps you sleep well because you feel less guilty. What’s damaged this time is beyond repair so let’s just piece up the debris of a man-made disaster and gaze at our damaged selves.

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5 comments on “Damaged”

  1. I think this is just the beginning of us being exposed to the cruel reality of the world (/sociiety) out there after being so ‘protected’, ‘pampered’ and ‘naive’ in school.

    On a lighter note, in the case when we maybe thrown on the path that we did not choose to embark, it might jolly well just be a blessing in disguise. It’s hard to fool the brain into believing this and it’s absolutely energy-consuming to constantly try to stay optimistic while at the same time, going about doing our daily activities, trying to find some direction or ‘opening’ our ears wide, hoping to ‘hear’ some calling. Yet, at the end of the day, we will survive. Survive well.

    ‘With all it’s pain and drugdery, the world is still a beautiful place,
    be cheerful, strive to be happy’ -Max Erman-

  2. I dont even have a A when you look at my name ! Dang. Oh well. And yat and myself should be heading down. Your fault for being late in the first place for the NTU open house. Hahahaha. I ran into tons of TPJCians and other school friends at NTU. In fact, half of A05 were there. And really, why be so bitter about things, looking pass the paper chase, we’re still a pretty blessed bunch. (:

  3. the journey has just began pal.
    im not gonna start scaring u off. but uni is no joke; wadever course u’re in.
    u can choose to make it exciting n enjoyable or terribly boring.

    wadever it is, or wherever u go, do sth that u’re realllly interested in.
    things will only get worst when u start to slowly dislike wadever u’re majoring in.

    A’s over. Get thr this stage, major in sth u realllly wanna do.
    N the grades on ur result slip will hardly be brought up ever again.

    ppl dont really care once u’re in the uni.
    n yes, the journey has juz began.

    jiayou!
    wadever the world holds for u, grasp it with both hands, n make the best out of it.

  4. Thanks Amantha. Although it was somewhat brain-draining to read what you wrote cos it sounds so complex. Ok maybe it’s bcos I’m sneezing and on panadol.

    Shuyun, that’s not the point la! LOL. Anyway, I guess we’re pretty blessed for now but until I actually secure a place in the uni course of my choice, I’d keep my fingers crossed.

    Crystal!! I’m lucky to have your advice. I’m really thinking about the whole course choice thing now cos I’m afraid of the day when my passion and interest in science starts to wane. And I damn well want a helluva great experience in uni. 😀 Thanks again!

  5. =p

    i’m beginning to have doubts in majoring economics.
    I think i prefer Japanese Studies. =)


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