Finally, it begins.

By: Dave

Apr 04 2010

Category: Uncategorized


So it’s past 1st of April. Once again, the wait begins. The past two failures were devastating. One made me step into an emotional turmoil, the other led me into a world I’m not sure if I could adapt to. The experiences were colourful – so much so I think they were blinding. I grew – painfully – over the time. This year’s submission is different. I really gave my best and put in a lot for it. It might just mean that I’m going to have a really hard fall this time. I have to be pessimistic. Hope is after all, the worst thing you could have before doom. It gives you something to wish for but it doesn’t actually guarantee anything. And you’ll think after being through this once, I’d cope better. I thought so last year but no. This is the very last shot. My previous plans of taking a gap year is seeing flaws in my back-up plan. This is going to be harder than I thought.

On other things, apparently some friend blurted out a dark secret I have at a party I wasn’t at. I want them to hear it from me first hand instead of indulging in pointless gossip. I want to be part of the discussion so it would make things easier for me. I think some part of my armour cracked ever since As. Or ever since my op but only became apparent after the results. I’m never going to be the same person I was. Sometimes I miss that dude – the one who didn’t have to cope with growing up or struggling between being a happy person and giving in to his sick parent. I know I’m not walking in the worst pair of shoes but comparing with my last 21 years, it doesn’t seem to be going in the right direction. I’m sort of walking away from the light, deeper into nothingness.

It is comforting typing this at night where I feel slightly more protected by the silence and solitude. But I want more; I really do.


6 comments on “Finally, it begins.”

  1. jiayou okie… have faith in yourself… 🙂 catch up soon!

  2. who’s this “friend” who blurted the secret? you can consider not letting that person be your “friend” any longer, you know.

  3. hey dave, how have u been? keep me updated of the result yea 🙂 stay positive!

    • Hey ZJ! So far I got rejected by SMU alr. ): I haven’t got any news from NUS and NTU. By the looks of it, I’m not really having high hopes. How are you doing! You’re not back in Singapore yet right? When would you be back? Thanks fr the well-wishes. (:

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