Tapestry

Press play! (:

This is going to make little sense because I’m typing random thoughts that came into my mind. Their lack of order is actually a pretty good display of the dystopia in my head now. So, y’all don’t have too read too much into it. It’s all random.

I think I don’t know you like I thought. I am selfish. Perhaps it was never unconditional. But does that make me a bad person? I’m constantly green and discussing it makes me feel more selfish because it could have an effect on you, on what we’re trying to sustain – a friendship. You know I want more. You know I want to fight for this. Well I knew I wanted to. Now, it’s a blurry mess. It’s a mixture of memories and the reality of the present. Maybe I miss being in love. I can’t help the situation get better. If I could, I wish I would be normal again – that it is as if we were never together and we’re just getting to know each other. It would be easier. Those has been the best days as there’s more that I could look forward to, so much potential in those sparks. Yet, now we’re doing the reverse. It’s difficult to get a similar outcome because we’ve walked to the end and now we’re trying to walk from the start. We’re in different pace and I’m not sure if I’m on the right rack. Maybe it’s a parallel pathway but essentially, a separate route. I don’t know what I want. Each time I try to act like we’re good, somewhere deep and subconscious is screaming for more than good – something close, like a physical and emotional connection. Now there’s a lot of restrictions and boundaries. I’ve got to watch my words like how you’ve now learnt to watch yours. It would have been easier if both of us moved on. But there are times when I wish you’re there for me and I could say everything without consequences or the fear of crossing the line. I wish I was more mature and protective and less damaged for you. Maybe during the time together, I never gave you that. I have 101 issues. In fact, I’m probably never good enough for anyone. Our world is corrupt and complicated. I don’t want just a memory of the great things. I wish for a mutual reflection of the hurdles we crossed. It all seems so distant and far-fetched, as if I’m sinking deeper into the waters, and you move out of my vision, above water and away.

p.s. And yes I chose a photo which made this whole page bluuuuuue; for you. But that’s because now I like it just as much.

p.p.s. This entry gave me the same feeling as the one I had when I penned this which flashed many moments across my mind. (I was offended when you spoke about my lack of passion. Track was a monumental part of my development; it shaped my character. I want you to know that.)

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